Erin

“Erin was going to break hearts and our other daughter, Dara, was going to have her heart broken – that is how I always described them. Erin was a strong character – she dressed how she wanted and didn’t care what anyone thought. She had a good group of friends and was a good friend to others.

I could not have been prouder of Erin – she had a good heart and would be there for other students who were vulnerable at school, talking to them and trying to help them. She helped others without us knowing, and she did it because it was the right thing to do. I have heard wonderful stories about Erin – the priest at our church wanted me to thank Erin as she wrote her own reasons for wanting to have a confirmation, and this was very unusual as normally parents would do this. The school cleaner came to her funeral and told us that she was the only pupil who would say hello. I would say life before Erin died was perfect.

Erin was just getting to the age where we would have good, meaningful conversations. I was looking forward to knowing her as she got older. We had our clashes and I wanted to guide her, but she was strong willed! She liked music and fashion, but she was also very spiritual and was interested in her faith and in other people’s feelings.

When Erin died, we had no support to start with and I felt lost. You have the initial fuss of everyone being in touch, but that wears very thin. There were three of us in the house and we were all very upset. The only help we have had is from Shooting Star and Momentum. Meeting other grieving parents helped to break my thought pattern – it was a liberation as well as a release.

Work was a distraction – it put grieving Erin on hold, it was like it had put a lid on it, but it meant I didn’t deal with it. I would be on work calls and would just break down and start crying. It is only really talking to other parents that have been through the loss of a child that has helped me and reading around the subject of grief.

Since Erin died, I have had time to reflect on my own life, and I want to do good things now. I view people differently and think about what I am going to say, before I speak and try not to judge anyone. I don’t want to be angry at the world for what has happened – I want to help others. I feel like our loss has crystalised the better parts of me – I am not the same person anymore.

I have always been a thinker, but I wanted to look at things in 360 and that is when I started reading about grief and trying to educate myself. There are not many books about grief, and no real practical guidance. One in eleven secondary school aged children will experience grief, yet no one really talks about it. I am working with fifteen schools in my local area to try and address these issues. I am working on a toolkit and other resources for staff at schools to try and encourage conversations around grief. I don’t want anyone to have to feel how I did – even one conversation is better than none.

Shooting Star referred us to Momentum Echoes, and we have attended a number of events with other bereaved parents, and they have had such a positive impact on us. Meeting other parents has given me the ability to go from feeling like a ghost in the world to celebrating our children and saying their names – it almost feels like a protective bubble. We have been on a special walk at Wakehurst and attended an event on the riverboat, amongst other things.

We have made friends for life through Momentum – we have been on holiday with other families, met up for dinner and quiz nights and we have our own WhatsApp groups to check in on each other too. I would never have made these friendships without Momentum. Your world shrinks when your child dies, so making these new connections has meant so much. Momentum has allowed me to be myself and feel a little bit more on the normal side.

My guidance for other parents would be this – you cannot put grief off. You need to jump into the grief pool as it is the only way to start dealing with it. Choose happiness and kindness, and when someone offers you support, shake their hand, and take it.”

Find out more about Momentum Echoes here